You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
