did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize