is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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