I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Everyone says I win the strip club
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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