Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize