I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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