I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
