I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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