You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
