I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
