what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
