Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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