So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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