I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
