On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
