when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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