I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
