Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
