I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
