So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
