he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
