Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
farters have to be the big spoon...
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
