Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
