My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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