i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
