got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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