my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
