Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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