I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
