i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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