Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
