If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
