I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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