My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she looked like the before picture.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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