my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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