She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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