i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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