Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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