i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Rumble strips road head = magical
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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