she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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