I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
