Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
