Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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