haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
