you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
