Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
