hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Randomize
