I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
