I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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