I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
