Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
