Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize