in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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