Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
