so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
