but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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