I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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