I have demons in me.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i came on her dog
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
did i just pee glitter
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
