my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
