I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
My ATM looks so different sober.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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